Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
