Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
