I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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