Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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