textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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