So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
