This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
