Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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