using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
