dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
