Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
