Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
