I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
