Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
