so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
