Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
