I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
