i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
