I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
