theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
