I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
