literally had 100 drinks last night.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Someone signed my nipple.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
