dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
