you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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