It's like God shit irony all over that family
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
