Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
