All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
