You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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