Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
