I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
and she was petting her beer can
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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