Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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