i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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