textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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