guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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