u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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