Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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