i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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