I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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