He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
