Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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