Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
