I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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