The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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