It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
