what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
