Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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