you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
