Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
