You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
