If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
