I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
