So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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